My Hearts Choosing

I walk, with an air of fake confidence
As I wade through the dating arena
Trying hard not to step in puddles
From previous storms

I button my top button
On jacket to shield my chest
From the elements
The wind asks me to dance
But I've never been formally trained in Tango

Maybe next time when I hear
Melodic patterns of slow jams
Or we lead the couples dance at wedding
I do have rhythm, You know

The sun appears personified
Instantly, my garb is bathing suit
Under white linen
Black hat traded for crown of
Baby's breathes worn on my natural hair tresses

He kisses me on the forehead
I am fragile in his arms
But a savage beast in the wilderness
Untamed, hunt and leave lifeless

My heart chooses him
So who am i to not concede
My body chooses him
Who am I to not agree

In his arms I am a maiden
Eating pastries full of fruit and goat cheese by a brook
Reading lover's tales by day
And writing them by night

Passion unparalleled
Ignited at first meeting
From "Hello" I was shot by a magnetic bullet
That drew me to his pole

All attempts to resist have been in vain
All defensive mechanisms slain
So who am i to complain
That things aren't as I want them to be

Cause my heart chooses him
A force bigger than us guiding me in his direction
No indiscretions cause even if it was
Morally wrong, it was Universally right

My plight, was not to acknowledge
But my will is weak
Every time I speak or think it's of him
To not accept, is to live in misery

So I embrace my hearts choosing
And put faith in the divine
Experiencing miracles that blossom like lilac
Reminiscent of the scent I wore when we last embraced

I received what i asked for
But not in the manner I assumed
How ungrateful to turn down a gift from God
As if he says "Here it is, now what will you do with it."

I finally understand
Treasures must be dug up
Diamonds polished
Pearls cultivated
Why not mines?

Texting Leads to Sexing?

How is it possible that teenagers sending text messages and indulging in risky behavior such as sex, drinking, and drugs is related? A new study suggest that there is a link. Especially among "hyper-texters" who send out more than 120 text messages a day.

While 120 text messages at first look may seem substantial, it really isn't that alarming given the average day of a high-schooler. If the average teenager has eight hours from the time they get off of school until the time they go to bed then 120 messages equates to 15 messages per hour. This could well be a back and forth conversation with one friend.

The study, conducted with 4,200 students from 20 high schools in the Cleveland, Ohio area,  found that one in five students were "hyper-texters" and one in nine "hyper-networkers" who spend more than three hours a day on social networking sites like Twitter and Facebook.

Minorities, girls, and those whose parents have less education as well as teens living in single mother households were more likely to be "hyper-texters" or "hyper-networkers". Another study, done by a female psychiatrist, may explain the higher rate for girls. In her book, Dr. Luan Brizendine's findings show that women are three times more talkative than men.

Teenagers engaged in extra curricular activities, participating in sports, or various arts and classes are likely to be preoccupied. Students, whose parents are not able to afford the fees and cost associated with these classes are likely to find their social interaction through other means, texting and networking.

Could it be that the modern day "social butterfly" lives in a cocoon expressing themselves only through strokes of a keyboard, web chats, and tweets? Is this study simply stating that children who have enough time on their hands will find ways to entertain themselves and texting is just one way where sex, drinking and drugs possibly others?

In this era, where teenagers have embraced technology like no other, there is sure to be many studies on the social effects and trends of this "Electronic Generation".

Playing With Fire (A Visual Poem)

He walked around the house

Nonchalantly

No care in the world

I glared sharper than the blade in my hand.

He didn't notice 

or didn't seem to care

The water boiled

As he went on and on about how great Monday night football was.

I envisioned the knife slipping from my hand

in a possessed fashion

Striking him in the back

Then we would be twins

He stated something bout the Jets (I think)

and how Cal had lost the bet

He threw a Benjamin on the counter and smiled

"That's for you Babe!"

I seasoned the beef

But only after I beat the shit out of it

I wanted it to be tender

My silence must have made him deaf

Cause he didn't hear it

I heard him complain about the table 

He would buy me a new one soon

This one, he was bored and tired of.

DITTO!

Red Pepper was a good choice

Reminded me of red panties

Found underneath seat of his car

Potatoes were also in hot water

A glance out window verified that 

Dog was in doghouse 

...or should be

I noticed that ribs cooked previously

Had stayed out all night

I guess they were on his schedule

They were trash

Not any good

Neither was he

Phone signaled text message

He looks, blushes, & responds

I look at mines 

Picture shows him & a stranger I know not

One who was happy in love

I mashed potatoes furiously

Hmmm... needs cream

Funny...so do I

He kisses me on cheek

"My girl can throw down in the kitchen!"

He yelled proudly

I smirked

He had no idea

"Who forgets panties?"

 I questioned the asparagus as they steamed

Then added more lawrys to the meat

As if I wasn't salty enough

"His Slut Bitch!!" they answered

No sugar in the house

So I couldn't bake the cake from scratch

Similar to the ones on his back

That I didn't make

I remember when he was fine to me

Although he has always been 

Rather average

Wished I would've baked the potatoes instead

Garlic toast

signifying last meal I would make

Everything was DONE

So it was time to eat

He cared for his phone intimately

Always nestled in his pocket

Close to him

So no one could meddle 

Treated it with more care than me

Crushed ice in his glass

Red wine was appropriate 

One wine glass 

This bottle was much too mature

Served him punch

He searched for a straw

But never cleaned up his messes

It was the last one

And he left the box on the table

Meal 

Perfect!

I was good!

No! No! Better yet! I was great!

He never much deserved perfection

Although he ate it up greedily

and had the nerve to state that although it was delicious

Another side dish would have filled him up.

He already had one too many!

Although I hadn't eaten much

I was full

To the point I felt I would explode

He was full of pride

Satisfied

He didn't even noticed the ice pack 

I had placed on the spot where I got burned

He never even seen the wine bottle coming

Wonder if he now realizes that all my belongings are gone

~Nicole "Emoshen" McKinley

  

The Nuclear Family added to the Endangered Species list

I have just received a bulletin from the Endangered Species Committee that states that a new "Animal" has been added to their list.

The Nuclear Family

Coming from a nuclear family structure, in which all nine of the children were raised in the house with our biological parents, shared the same last name, and didn't have any half-brothers or sisters, this was the environment I was use to. It would seem that I should have become a product of my traditional environment, right?

Hmmm.... Well, It DIDN'T HAPPEN!!!

My household has three different last names (I shudder whenever I think about that!), three out of four of my children have the same dad (the last one is by a different man!), and I currently find myself 30 something and never married!!! Where did I go wrong?

Out of my eight siblings, I am the youngest and the only one who has NEVER been married (one of my brothers had his Single's Club Card revoked in Sept 2009). Not only am I the only person to never exchange nuptial vows in my family, but most of the women I know are EXACTLY LIKE ME!!! Crazy thing is, we are all 30 something, never married, kids by a man/men we are no longer with and confused!

Yes I said it CONFUSED!! The one thing that we don't want to admit but it always has an eerie way of slithering up our spine, entering our ear canal and embedding itself into our brains. Which causes us to turn to each other for support, guidance, and just to plain old vent about how STUPID the current brother we're dating was for not recognizing the treasure that laid before him. We have become a tribe of loveless-heard-it-all-been-through-that-before-if-it-don't-fit-don't-force-it restless natives. Wandering in our own wilderness of club scenes, restaurants, movies, walks through the parks, and "Un-huh, yes I'm listening" conversations trying to decipher the code for bullshit.

We come with play-books and reference cards. Voices in our heads scream to us "GIRL, DIP LEFT BEFORE YOU GET TACKLED!" In our dating arena, the team is missing one of the key players but he has to fit perfectly within the coexisting team. There is no reformation or trades that can be made at this stage in the game, and we're aiming for the CHAMPIONSHIP! We want the ring, bragging rights, and the glory!  We are ready to sing to the losers "Nah Nah Naaa Nah, Nah Nah Naa Nah, Hey Hey Hey, Goodbye!" as we watch their sorrowful faces indicative of the epiphany that just received due to the loss of "The one that got away!" Hey! Beyonce said it best "If you liked it...you should have put a ring on it!!!" Don't cry now!

But, truth is... Prince Charming never arrives on his trusty white Porsche and if he does, his goals are not aligned with our goals (at that time), or he's unwilling to deal with the tainted person we have become through experience. Better yet, he is too fresh out of a previous situation and not ready for another one. He just wants to be "Friends"! You know, the kind with benefits.

As I look at my parent's 60-years of marriage I smile. It took a lot of dedication on their part to maintain a union for 6 decades. Sometimes I wonder if I took the easy route out of Dodge County and gave up too easily. When the going got tough should I have gotten tougher?  Maybe my husband is right before my eyes, yet i fail to recognize him or I'm afraid of putting my all into another situation that will leave me scarred and bruised if it doesn't work out! Am I expecting the worse to happen so often that it does? Is that one little thing he does that irritates me always a deal-breaker?

"If you always do what you've always done then you will get the same results!" is a line that I hear frequently! also "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results!". Well, where is my STRAIGHT JACKET!  Maybe it's time to do something differently! Women of the world who find themselves in this same place in their lives, I challenge you to do something DIFFERENT!!  I will do the same and maybe, just maybe, even though we are past the nuclear family stage, we will be blessed with the BLENDED FAMILY of our dreams!!

Take Care Beloved!

I can't be friends with Trey Songz

All or nothing???

That's what relationships become sometimes.

It's hard to fathom life without someone that made a specific impact on us.

Truth of the matter is, sometimes we may even be willing to take a minor roll in someone's life just to keep them around.
Then there comes a time when we decide that the part-time roll is not good enough.
Our self pride and self values kicks us in the ass and states "You are TOO good of a person to sink that low".
Your confidence and logic take control of your heart and it boils down to...All...or Nothing.

"I love you, but as of now, we can no longer be friends."

This statement is usually one that leads to "The Land of No Return"or the FINALE of the relationship.

If this is where you find yourself BE STRONG!
It hurts, It hurts a hell of a lot!!
During this time it's best to listen to a little Usher and "Let it Burn"

Unlike the words of Trey Songz when he says "And I wish we never did, And I wish we never loved it..."

Move on my friends, but do so with NO REGRETS!!!

New Fall Fashion 2010... BELTS & ASSHOLES

I recently attended a fashion show displaying all the fall "must have" items. While i was excited about certain fall trends such as boots which were both utilitarian and ultra-sexy (best of both worlds),  hard, manly jackets softened by fur or lingerie underneath,  and belts, belts, belts on everything, I was a bit confused  by one trend... THE ASSHOLE. It seems this season everyone must have one ASSHOLE as part of a proper wardrobe.

The models carried the ASSHOLES down the runway with them, not physically but in the weight of  expressionless looks. I felt as if I could read what the stoned-faces were going through. Somewhat choreographed but also exasperated because he didn't call last night as he said he would. Some of the women in the audience did as well. It was apparent from every blackberry or iPhone glance that ended in disappointed, one-sided-pursed lips, verbal sighs or distant looks into space as if in thought. ASSHOLES were present that night and represented for their tribe. Suave and charming, one stated to his date "One second, I think I know this model." as he jetted to speak with a model after the show. Another with a look of disinterest kept babysitting his watch before barreling out of the door early.


The problem was, just like the cream high-heeled boots with the buckles (I am SO getting them!) I loved my ASSHOLE. Just as I knew every woman in the room and world did also.  From my experiences and the stories of other women we found our emotional highs and the depths of frustration usually in the same man.

How to recognize The ASSHOLE
He is the one:

• who is emotionally detached and tells you how his past is indicative of the reason why he can't love presently.
• who is  always too busy to escort you to movies and dinners because he is a Superman of a go-getter who is always off saving the day... or making money.
• who frequents clubs and comes home too tired to make love to you. (WHAT?)
• who is insecure and doesn't believe you value him as you do, so he continues to see other women as protective measures for his heart.
• sending you to another world sexually and to the underworld all other times.
• who takes care of you financially but leaves you romantically starving.
• who you feel the best around but you only see him monthly.
• that is arrogant and conceited and makes you feel like he's doing you a favor buy allowing you to date him.
• who cares about you but is just not ready to settle down.
• who is supposedly committed to you, but messes around with other women occasionally.
• who drives you CRAZY because you do all you can and still cannot win him over.
• who does not have a job, car, or house but treats you like a queen and has the best conversation.
• who says he will leave his wife if you could only BEAR with him for awhile.

Why do we deal with him? 
Why do we continue to deal with the ASSHOLE knowing that we deserve much better? ASSHOLES are smooth, clever, and many are very strategic! How do you think they can charm the pants off many women (not just us)? Every ASSHOLE knows that in order to keep a woman around there is one thing they MUST do!  That is, appeal to the EMOTIONAL SIDE OF THE WOMAN. The only way we as women continue to stay with ASSHOLES is because they have drawn us in, somehow, emotionally. I have seen it all from pity stories such as "Baby, your the only person in the world that is on my side! I NEED YOU!" or intense flattery such as "My baby looks so good that I gotta take you around and show you off!" and even brutal disregard like "Why the hell you keep asking me questions? Damn, I do what i want to do." Those approaches and many more is what puts us into am emotional state. Once we are tied to the ASSHOLE by an emotional string, he goes in for the kill! Dismounts from his high horse and reels us in further by revealing one of the following things to us: 

• Just how much we really do mean to him.
• If he ever falls in love it will definitely be with us.
• How thankful he is for the goodness and love we have shown him.
• That we are his only solitude and peace in a world of chaos.
• That we are his BEST FRIEND (complete with vagina and all!)
• That his life would not ever be complete if we were to leave.
• That we are the ONLY person in this world he can count on.
• That he doesn't understand why we continue to deal with him because we deserve SO MUCH more.
• How he wishes his circumstances could have been different. If they were, he would be with us.
• How we need to stop being so nice to him because he is not use to it.
• How if he had the money we would be taken care of .
• How he does not DESERVE us.
• That he works so hard to provide for us. That's why he is always busy.
• That the other girls meant nothing to him but a cheap thrill, we have his heart.

So what is it that we love about ASSHOLES?
Is it that as women we are emotional creatures and as long as we are in our emotions (good or bad) that validates the relationship in our minds? You know, like a child who wants attention so negative attention will suit them fine. So they act out in a mischievous way.
Do we like the emotional roller coaster of uncertainty?
Could it be that we are "hit on" all the time by men and we have high knowledge of our worth and value that someone who doesn't notice it needs to?
Do we settle for less because the good times outweigh the bad (at least in our minds)?
Do we take care of him because we are afraid to start over even though we could do better without him?

After the show, I watched one of the models get picked up by a guy in an expensive car. She carried a look of resentment that probably weighed a ton as she entered the car. I quickly understood that behind her beautiful silhouette there lived an ugly inner scar. Perhaps caused by the guy in the car. Could it be that his indiscretions had pushed across that thin line which landed him on the side of hate? Maybe he didn’t come home last night or came home smelling of Cabernet and Chanel. There was also a possibility that he was married (not to her) and continues to tell her that he will leave his wife (knowing he actually wont). On the other hand, maybe the car was hers and he has the privilege of driving it around town (while occasionally picking her up and dropping her off).

Whatever the case was, that day I realized I really didn't much care to obsess in fashion trends... or ASSHOLES and that the word STRIKE sounded pretty good to me.

Bitter Girls Anthem 2010

Marsha Ambrosius' (formerly from Floetry) song "I hope she cheats on you (With a basketball player) is the new Bitter Girls Anthem for 2010. Taking the place of former anthem "I bust your windows out your car" by Jasmine Sullivan.